Christmas is early this year

Last updated : 19 August 2008 By Syd Rumpo

Brigadier Ben Cannon from Todmorden… from Todmorden… oh boy… say no more. If you saw that film Deliverance, you'll know what I'm saying. His nickname is Loose.

Just in case you laughed so much and forgot the plot, it was simple. He had to parachute down and land on a big field. So he knew what it looked like, it was coloured green. Instead, he landed on the roof.

I hear that Brigadier Cannon may be fired.

Emergency services soon (I use the word loosely) swung into action led by Police Chief Jeff Brown… I repeat… Jeff Brown… arrest one criminal… set one free… you buy one ladder you get one free.

At 3.30 it was announced that he had been taken down safely from the roof. Several thousand people who could still see his legs dangling from the roof shouted, "Oh no he's not, he's behind you."

And as if all that wasn't funny enough, I say, I say, I say, did you hear about the bloke who went out to shift his car to make way for the ladders and then some chief steward wouldn't let him back in again and told him it was because he was now a security risk.

"I haven't laughed so much since my granny caught her tits in the mangle," said one delighted member of the audience.

Club Chief Exec Paul 'Kestrel' Fletcher (no relation to Chris Eagles) is to hold the 19th emergency meeting of his short reign as CE. The 20th meeting next week will be to discuss the alarming number of emergency meetings that are taking place.

Clarets author Dave Thomas has cancelled plans to have a copy of the new book No Nay Never Vol 2 parachuted into the James Hargreaves Launch Dinner on October 11th. When asked about this Dave said, "We are only printing a limited number so I can't afford to lose one. What I might do is just climb up a stepladder and drop one on the table… but then there is the Health and Safety risk that it might land in the soup."

As part of the new building design; an extra 'emergency meetings' room is to be built. Although a second spokesman added, "We have no plans to buy any new ladders. Manager Owen Coyle met a man on the way to market and swapped defender Steven Caldwell for a bag of magic beans. In the event of any similar emergency we shall just plant a bean, and shin up the beanstalk five minutes later. This will save us a fortune. We think Owen's mum might not be too pleased though. She rather liked Steven Caldwell.

A club spokesman said, "Now that the dust is settling, well at least the asbestos, we must consider our next step. It's is possible that as the next added attraction we may investigate the possibility of hiring a team that wins a game."